REFLECTION: Just Be (Part III) DO OVER! PLEASE?

Lately, it seems as if I keep asking God for a DO OVER. Instead of Just Turning the Page, could I just push the rewind button and start again. Well, I have felt that way since August 1, 2014. That fateful day, I broke my word to a friend, not because I wanted to, but because the path my family was on, turned an entirely different direction; one I could not foresee or anticipate. The weeks leading up to August 1, were filled with twists and turns, confusion, uncertainty, and absolutely no guarantees. What if’s filled my mind, and God’s will seemed hidden. Not to mention, my mother is battling for her life, and that very same day, my family and I we were headed to Missouri for my mother’s open-heart surgery.

You might be asking what this has to do with Just Be, well actually, a lot. Learning to Just Be, is about learning to be ok with ME, including when I make mistakes, hasty decisions, or when I stumble, not just when I make wise choices or do everything right, or the way others think I should be doing something—meaning their way, or how they would do something. Don’t get me wrong, I value wisdom, direction, and insight, but if that wisdom does not lead me to dependence upon God for direction in my life, then what happens is I conform to someone else’s ideas, opinions, and perspective. When that happens, the person God created me to be, the person I am meant to be, gets lost.

That’s what happened! Instead of discovering who I am, I conformed to others idea of what and how I should be as a mother, a Christian, a wife, a person etc. I never figured out who I am supposed to be, instead I wanted to be accepted, I wanted to fit in, I didn’t want to be known as the troublemaker, the rebel, the bad kid, the neglectful mother, the druggy, the uneducated—street smart no good kid, and so on. Those labels are not exaggerations; I used to be all those things, and called all those things, plus some. I desperately wanted to be liked, to be somebodyother than me, because who I was, wasn’t ok. So I sought to change me, I am not those things anymore, although sometimes I think I am still a tad bit of a rebel, because I find myself resisting those who try to conform me to their idea of me.  
So, what does this have to do with breaking my word. I know, as a Christian I am “to keep [my] word to [my] own hurt…” (HCSB Psalms 15:4). I was willing to do that, no matter what. However, in so doing I would jeopardize the direction my husband was leading our family. To be fair, it was also an inconvenience to my friend, an unwelcomed disappointment, and a breach of trust; all of which, I made clear to my husband. I was in a no win situation. In my heart, I knew my first priority is to my family, so I reluctantly yielded, but it cost me a friend.
I cried all the way to Missouri—ashamed, full of self-loathing. How could I fail her? In the stillness of the night, I felt the Holy Spirit stir me, and I began to understand something more deeply—things about myself, and why I still struggle with me. It is interesting to note that prefacing verse four, the writer asks:
Lord, who can dwell in Your tent? Who can live on Your holy mountain? The one who lives honestly, practices righteousness and acknowledges the truth in his heart… (HCSB Psalms 1:1-2).
First, I realized that I made a hasty decision when I gave my word to my friend. Everything about our agreement looked right, felt right, and for all intents and purposes it seemed like it was Gods perfect will. How could I have possibly missed it? If I could have a DO OVER, I would have made the agreement a tentative one. On the other hand, sometimes life brings unexpected changes. In that case, sometimes one does not have much choice. Humility is the best course of action, in the best way possible--probably not through texting. Just sayin. 
After each failure, ask forgiveness, pick yourself up, and try again. C.S. Lewis
Secondly, I realized how much I fear making mistakes, because mistakes in my life usually means a complete end to relationship—that’s it, I am through with you kind of mentality, this IS NOT an exaggeration. In fact, this seems to be the dominate theme in my life, especially, if I assert any kind of ME into the equation—even with Christians. Please note that I am not referring to willful sin or disobedience to God’s written word, there is a huge difference between paths that lead to destruction and the process God takes each individual on as He grows and matures them in Him.
There is no such thing as a perfect ME. I will never fit into someone else’s idea of me— I am not supposed to nor do I want to, which is why I need a Savior. He accepts both parts of me. He knows my weakness, the places in me that still get chaotic, and He lovingly, but firmly matures me in those areas without rejecting me. Sometimes, He still has to reassure me because sometimes I get afraid He might run out of patience, and utterly forsake me. He also knows the parts of me that are good, the parts of me that reflect Him.                                                                    
Jesus wants me to Just Be ME. The ME who doesn’t have it all figured out, who still finds herself tangled easily, who still struggles with insecurities, and needs reassurance every once in a while; and, although He loves me just as I am, He loves me enough not to leave me the same. He will continue to grow and mature me—so that I may be a genuine reflection of Him.
I am still on the journey of discovering what Just Be ME is all about, and for the first time in my life, I am actually ok with where I am. I have a feeling it is a much longer journey then I had anticipated, but that is ok. I am not alone. Neither are you. Stick with me. Just Turn the Page and journey with me, as we—together, learn how to Just Be who God created you to be.

 

 

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Just Turn The Page: REFLECTION: Just Be (Part III) DO OVER! PLEASE?

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

REFLECTION: Just Be (Part III) DO OVER! PLEASE?

Lately, it seems as if I keep asking God for a DO OVER. Instead of Just Turning the Page, could I just push the rewind button and start again. Well, I have felt that way since August 1, 2014. That fateful day, I broke my word to a friend, not because I wanted to, but because the path my family was on, turned an entirely different direction; one I could not foresee or anticipate. The weeks leading up to August 1, were filled with twists and turns, confusion, uncertainty, and absolutely no guarantees. What if’s filled my mind, and God’s will seemed hidden. Not to mention, my mother is battling for her life, and that very same day, my family and I we were headed to Missouri for my mother’s open-heart surgery.

You might be asking what this has to do with Just Be, well actually, a lot. Learning to Just Be, is about learning to be ok with ME, including when I make mistakes, hasty decisions, or when I stumble, not just when I make wise choices or do everything right, or the way others think I should be doing something—meaning their way, or how they would do something. Don’t get me wrong, I value wisdom, direction, and insight, but if that wisdom does not lead me to dependence upon God for direction in my life, then what happens is I conform to someone else’s ideas, opinions, and perspective. When that happens, the person God created me to be, the person I am meant to be, gets lost.

That’s what happened! Instead of discovering who I am, I conformed to others idea of what and how I should be as a mother, a Christian, a wife, a person etc. I never figured out who I am supposed to be, instead I wanted to be accepted, I wanted to fit in, I didn’t want to be known as the troublemaker, the rebel, the bad kid, the neglectful mother, the druggy, the uneducated—street smart no good kid, and so on. Those labels are not exaggerations; I used to be all those things, and called all those things, plus some. I desperately wanted to be liked, to be somebodyother than me, because who I was, wasn’t ok. So I sought to change me, I am not those things anymore, although sometimes I think I am still a tad bit of a rebel, because I find myself resisting those who try to conform me to their idea of me.  
So, what does this have to do with breaking my word. I know, as a Christian I am “to keep [my] word to [my] own hurt…” (HCSB Psalms 15:4). I was willing to do that, no matter what. However, in so doing I would jeopardize the direction my husband was leading our family. To be fair, it was also an inconvenience to my friend, an unwelcomed disappointment, and a breach of trust; all of which, I made clear to my husband. I was in a no win situation. In my heart, I knew my first priority is to my family, so I reluctantly yielded, but it cost me a friend.
I cried all the way to Missouri—ashamed, full of self-loathing. How could I fail her? In the stillness of the night, I felt the Holy Spirit stir me, and I began to understand something more deeply—things about myself, and why I still struggle with me. It is interesting to note that prefacing verse four, the writer asks:
Lord, who can dwell in Your tent? Who can live on Your holy mountain? The one who lives honestly, practices righteousness and acknowledges the truth in his heart… (HCSB Psalms 1:1-2).
First, I realized that I made a hasty decision when I gave my word to my friend. Everything about our agreement looked right, felt right, and for all intents and purposes it seemed like it was Gods perfect will. How could I have possibly missed it? If I could have a DO OVER, I would have made the agreement a tentative one. On the other hand, sometimes life brings unexpected changes. In that case, sometimes one does not have much choice. Humility is the best course of action, in the best way possible--probably not through texting. Just sayin. 
After each failure, ask forgiveness, pick yourself up, and try again. C.S. Lewis
Secondly, I realized how much I fear making mistakes, because mistakes in my life usually means a complete end to relationship—that’s it, I am through with you kind of mentality, this IS NOT an exaggeration. In fact, this seems to be the dominate theme in my life, especially, if I assert any kind of ME into the equation—even with Christians. Please note that I am not referring to willful sin or disobedience to God’s written word, there is a huge difference between paths that lead to destruction and the process God takes each individual on as He grows and matures them in Him.
There is no such thing as a perfect ME. I will never fit into someone else’s idea of me— I am not supposed to nor do I want to, which is why I need a Savior. He accepts both parts of me. He knows my weakness, the places in me that still get chaotic, and He lovingly, but firmly matures me in those areas without rejecting me. Sometimes, He still has to reassure me because sometimes I get afraid He might run out of patience, and utterly forsake me. He also knows the parts of me that are good, the parts of me that reflect Him.                                                                    
Jesus wants me to Just Be ME. The ME who doesn’t have it all figured out, who still finds herself tangled easily, who still struggles with insecurities, and needs reassurance every once in a while; and, although He loves me just as I am, He loves me enough not to leave me the same. He will continue to grow and mature me—so that I may be a genuine reflection of Him.
I am still on the journey of discovering what Just Be ME is all about, and for the first time in my life, I am actually ok with where I am. I have a feeling it is a much longer journey then I had anticipated, but that is ok. I am not alone. Neither are you. Stick with me. Just Turn the Page and journey with me, as we—together, learn how to Just Be who God created you to be.

 

 

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3 Comments:

At September 16, 2014 at 10:22 AM , Blogger Chris Malkemes said...

You are the one He created and He delights in you. It is as simple as that. In the Army we use to say "Be all you can Be." I say to you, "Be all you can Be in the Lord."

 
At September 16, 2014 at 11:29 AM , Blogger Samantha Coon said...

Thanks Chris, not sure why that never sunk in when I was in the Army. But, being on Active Duty provided the right opportunity for me to meet Christ, and truly I have not been the same since. I am just slow in figuring that out!

That's my new motto, "Be all I can BE in the Lord."

Blessings,
Samantha

 
At September 16, 2014 at 5:41 PM , Blogger Chris Malkemes said...

Please go over to my site. Someone left you a message. What you said resonated with Shiela - a missionary in Italy. Click on her name and you will be sent to her web site. Have a blessed day.

 

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