The past two weeks have been very difficult. Last
summer, my mother was diagnosed with a life threatening illness. A rare
disease, Scleroderma is a hardening of the connective tissue. In some cases,
only the skin is involved, in other cases, like my mother the disease spreads
to the vital organs. I call it Pinocchio’s disease, because the only way to
describe is to imagine Pinocchio—the wooden puppet. Her limbs and joints have
lost all elasticity, all muscle definition, and looks and feels like wood. Her
kidneys have shut down—hardened by the disease, she has been on dialysis for
about a year now. Her heart too, is not working properly and she is need of
heart surgery; however, the risks of heart surgery seem to outweigh the need—a
double edge sword. The first week of September, she had a stroke.
We have been estranged my whole life, and reunited
through Christ Jesus in 2008. However, the distance and the demands of life
have kept us from really connecting and healing our relationship. Yet, I have
had a few treasured moments with her this past year—Divine Interruptions—if you will. Moments, I plan to share in due
time. Nonetheless, her illness and suffering has had a profound effect on me.
Sometimes the grief in my heart threatens to choke the very life out of me.
The family dynamics makes dealing with her illness
particular hard for me. Unfortunately, I am still the outsider. Nothing I say
or do—changes that; however, I do have an Aunt, and an amazing husband beside
me. I do not just grieve for my mother, but for the family I have been
estranged from my entire life. I know my siblings are close to my mother, and
this is unbearable to them. Even as a Christian, knowing my mother is suffering
has been very hard for me to reconcile with God— I cannot lean on my own understanding. I cannot imagine how they are
dealing with their grief. So, I pray. I pray for them. I pray for me. I pray
for my mother.
my heart is grieving deeply.
My mother is three thousand miles away. She can hardly
talk, because of the stroke, so chatting on the phone is a challenge. Really its me trying to decipher her words, and stifling my tears. The world is not stopping and allowing me time to process my grief.
Some days the tears will not stop. Try studying the Grapes of Wrath through tear-stained glasses.
Her days are numbered. My heart knows. What we could not have this side of
heaven—I know we WILL HAVE one day in eternity.
Too be honest, and at the risk of sounding severely
selfish. I do not have time to grieve. I am finishing my last year of studies
for a BA in English, I am homeschooling my firstborn son—a freshmen in high
school. My second daughter is finishing her senior year of high school, and I
still have one in elementary school. My husband and I have been in a financial
wilderness; literally, living on daily manna, for two years now. Life changed. Friends disappeared. The list of demands increases. I’ve dropped the ball—a few times. Not to
mention, other concerns and cares...and the list goes on. I am being stretcheddddddd! I know—I am not the only one.
my heart is grieving deeply.
Lean Hard those
words glared at me, as I read my morning devotion. I am grieving. I am being
stretched. Many things do not make sense to me, at least not right now. The
only thing I can do is Lean Hard.
of My love, lean hard,
let Me feel the pressure of your
know your burden, child. I shaped it;
it in Mine Own hand; made no proportion
its weight to your unaided strength,
even as I laid it on, I said,
will be near, and while she leans on Me,
burden will be Mine, not hers;
will I keep My child within the
My Own love.” Here lay it down, nor fear
impose it on a shoulder that upholds
government of worlds. Yet, closer come:
are not near enough. I would embrace your care;
I might feel My child reclining on my
breast. You love Me, I know. So then
do not doubt;
loving Me, Lean
L.B. Streams in the Wilderness emphasis
I didn’t write those words, but those words are
powerful reminders to us all to Lean Hard
and Just Turn
Labels: God, Grace Filled Family, grief, Just Turn The Page, LEAN HARD;, Scleroderma; tear stained glasses